( nicholas luchak should click on this. )

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICHOLAS CHRISTIAN PEARY!!!!!!

that was too many capital letters for me to look at on a regular basis, but i really do hope you have an amazing day. it didn't sound happy, it just sounded like i was screaming in your face with loud music blaring in the background. i really just wanted to sound happy.

have fun being old, mister! (:

as of seventeen minutes ago, i,

after taking a nap, washing my face, using a face mask, brushing my teeth three times, and drinking a lot of water, i feel completely cleansed and refreshed. it doesn't seem to matter that i stayed out until four last night and had to get up at eight, that i slept in my clothes all the way down to my earings then woke up by a phone call saying "i'm here!" and walked out the door, that i drank enough coffee to make me sick and literally unable to see straight, that i have two tests and three exams this week, overdue assignments, an english paper due tomorrow that i've had a month to write and haven't touched, or that i spent over twelve hours this weekend at school doing math exam reviews.

i just feel good.

my throat is gone because i screamed every word to every song last night, and i don't care if i annoyed anyone that was next to me. i needed it to be like that. i kept telling myself to cheer from my diaphragm but i would forget in the moment, and now i'll never be able to sing tomorrow. so worth it.

simply because that is the answer i was looking for, doesn't mean i feel any better about this. if it wasn't the case however, i'd be sick to my stomach right now, so i really can't complain.  

today is amazing.

i'm having a bad week. 
i'm reverting back to old(bad) habits.
i'm tired.
math is all i do/think about. (93 percenttt!!!!!!!!! but i'm still scared for tomorrow.)
i came here to write in my journal and forget about it for ten seconds but all i did was look up practice exams online.
i'm stressed. 
i want to nap on your couch while you play video games.
i want the 30th/am excited for that entire week off.
i need sleep. 
i'm seeing andrew on monday.
i love him.
ugh.

on another note, i had a very good day today and was in a very good mood, despite being unable to solve my rubix cube. (i'm sorry for nagging you but you need to do art, gosh!) i was full of energy earlier but now i've crashed with a cup of coffee in my hand. if i go to bed at ten, i'll still get eight hours of sleep before waking up at six to do two hours of studying before writing the exam. that's how sad my life is right now.

but in general, i'm happy.  

we've only known each other for a year,  but it feels so much longer than that. this past few weeks i couldn't stop thinking about us, and how we ended up here. up until a few nights ago i thought we'd never get our relationship back to any sort of good terms, and i never would have expected this. we've screwed up so many times, hurt each other way too much and made so many mistakes, of which sleeping together was probably the biggest, but at least it brought us to where we are now, and i'm happy. i'm so glad to be over all the issues and the fighting, and just be us. i'm sorry for ruining it before, and convincing myself that this could never work, but you know that i wish i could take it back. i just regret wasting so much time. i'm happy that we're together now and i'm trying not to focus on what we could have had if i hadn't been so stupid. you told me you loved me a year ago, and it took me long enough to realize, but finally, i can say it. i love you too mike.

they: have no right to do any of this. it makes me nervous.
you: were a lot of fun tonight, and will never change in my eyes from the sweet innocent awkward boy i met two years ago. (was it only two? you feel like forever.)
we: are married, you're the love of my life, so why such silence this evening?
you: better be seeing me tomorrow and i wish you had a cellphone. i have a car-ride story for you even though you'll be way too drunk to drive, and i have no idea how i'd be getting home. unimportant details for a saturday night.
i miss you all the time, even when you're right next to me. that scares me. some of the things you say scare me even more.

i don't know why i'm writing like this, because none of these things are secret, none of these people read my journal, and all of these statements have been said to each of their faces either tonight, or recently enough. i'm just being weird.

rocky horror picture show was awesome tonight. the seat on your ticket means nothing if you're crafty enough, and are prepared to do the walk of shame if you get caught. we lucked out this time, but even if we were sent back, it would have been worth it.

this is getting out of control, which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't the one thing i can't talk to you about.

i'm going to bed.

every time i eat now, i think of you, and i don't feel guilty at all.

i thought today was going to be the only day of break that i just stayed in, but you proved me wrong. i'm actually starting to get used to all the video games.

the goodbyes get easier and easier as i realize that nothing's ever going to change. you can move anywhere you want, but this will always be home. i'm excited for february, but mostly april, because that time you're staying for good, and we're going midnight skinny dipping in all the pools you built last summer. whoever gets caught, loses.

"i'll miss you dave!"
"i will too!"
"me too!"
"don't even try to steal our i miss you's stephanie."
"dave, i love you most."
"i know you do steph, and i love you most."

on another note, today was good. interesting, and intriguing, and i honestly wasn't going to write it off, but now that i've thought about it, i think i will. you justify your drugs in ways that i'll never accept, and i really just think you're addicted. sitting there took me back to a time that i don't miss at all, and you seem like way too much work than it's worth. for a day you made me forget that there were other places i could have been, which i found pretty impressive, but tonight i realized that's not enough. and rare as it is, neither is our mutual love for jason schwartzman, the movie spun and our understanding that brittany murphy makes a sweet crack whore. i swear, if we would have talked about movies the whole time, i might have fallen in love, but that's always been my weakness. i'd still love to watch magnolia with you sometime, but in simplest terms: you need to grow up before you call me again.

stephanick: an unsuccessful attempt at being humorous.

alaidavemike: a good joke.

mock new years: perfect.

this morning i volunteered at a soup kitchen and a homeless man gave me a candy cane and said he liked my sunglasses. it was a cute day.

tonight is mock new years and my resolution is still to not make a resolution. i think it may be a sickness. which reminds me that i almost fainted this afternoon for the first time since grade nine, and that's one of my least favorite feelings. everything slowly starts to fade to black, and people's voices start blurring until they all sound underwater, or until you are. i just turned and said, "hey alaina, i think i'm going to faint. could you walk me to that chair?" and waited for my brain to start functioning again. at least this time i knew what was going on and wasn't in line at iga screaming, "I CAN'T SEE! I CAN'T SEE!" then falling onto amanda and having her think i was joking. she let go and i fell to the floor and hit my head, and when i woke up the workers felt so bad i got a free lunch. this time i just got a bottle of water and a pale face.

tomorrow night is mock new years because i was too far away from everyone this year. it's late and i still haven't done my big goodbyes to 2006 and reflections on everything. i told myself it was because i was out of town, but i'm home now and still have no desire to look back. i'm perfectly content with the way things are and i feel like if i try to fix one thing, the rest are all going to fall apart. so this year my resolution is not to make a resolution, and just live. happy new year!

2006, you were good.
2007, i know you can do better.

we are an hour late leaving this morning and i am so glad. this week was spent with favorite cousins, alcohol, sex and the city,  quality time with family, and shopping at every awkward pause. i'm sure my aunt spent her savings on spare time. the question now is, are we lying when we cross the border?

i could stay at this house forever, but i'm so ready to be home. since that statement is so contradictory, i should just skip the complications and make this my home instead. but every vacation always makes the final destination a little less desirable. at least canada has more snow. it's freezing and the sun's out for the first time since we've arrived, saying hello and goodbye all at once. this drive will be infinitely better, starting with beautiful white frosted trees, then i'll close my eyes for what will seem like a second and the snow with quadruple. i know the storm is just welcoming me home. this time though, i know time is taking me back to last year, last break, for the last time. and for the first time, i'm okay with living in the past. maybe it's just because i know in five days i'll have to say goodbye to that, too.

at least no one cried this time. in the summer i was bawling, but that's because i felt like if i drove away, i'd never return, and this time it feels like the sooner we leave, the sooner we'll get to come back. maybe august is just a more intimate month, where there's not as many layers between us all.

i let things get in the way when i should have let them go. i hate your cigarettes and your boxes of wine, but god, i miss that city, and we haven't even left yet. if all of our sex and the city marathons taught me anything, it's that if i'm carrie, he's big, and if i'm charlotte, he's the guy who almost ran me over with a taxi. i'll miss you and your dvd box sets.

bye minneapolis! you're top three on my list of soulmate cities, and if you keep playing your cards right, and vancouver continues to ignore my calls, i see good things for us. see you in march!

i spent all day complaining about the lack of snow, and my morning watching the rain fall. we went to subway for mexicans, watched little miss sunshine, and i came upstairs to see every single lawn, car, and tree covered in white. all my cousins and i ran to grab our winter clothes and spent the rest of the afternoon making snowmen, tobogganing, making snow angels and having snowball fights. it was absolutely glorious. it's new years and the weather's beautiful.

dinner time and then we're gone!

i'm listening to the rain, christmas carols, and my cousins chase the dog around the house. i love days like this. the only plan i have so far is to go to subway for mexicans, but my driver is still asleep.

i'm very angry at my cousin right now for driving me home drunk last night, then sneaking out to go back to the party, drinking more, and driving back home again. and he wonders why i stayed downstairs to watch sex and the city dvds. he woke me up when he got back to tell me of his drunken escapades but i said i'm going upstairs to sleep and left. i don't know, it just bothers me that he's being so irresponsible.

i can't figure out why i wanted to say that, because it doesn't make a difference either way. it was funny at first but now this scene is just getting old, and i'm kinda tired. it's new years eve but i don't have any resolutions yet, i'll think of some when i get home.

last night my aunt drank a whole bottle of wine, which means no early mornings today. i finally got to sleep until my body had enough rest, then have breakfast and coffee and not be rushed in any way. 

i had a perfect dream about you then woke up and spent my morning listening to norah jones and waiting for the house to wake up too. it was nice. i also got all my stuff together, so now i'm all packed up but i'm not ready to go. and if dave and nick actually randomly drove out here to spend new years with me, i would probably spontaneously combust from too much excitement, high pitched HIIIII!!!'s and hugging. ugh that would be so amazing.

happy birthday

out of everything...